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MOURNING – THE EXPRESSION OF GRIEF
According to Webster’s New World Dictionary
grief is defined as “intense emotional suffering caused by loss,
disaster, misfortune, etc.; acute sorrow; deep sadness.”
Mourning is the expression of grief.
We usually think of grief as affecting our
feelings and emotions, but it really affects every part of us.
We may feel things such as shock, anger, fear, anxiety, guilt,
loneliness, helplessness, depression, confusion, overwhelming
emotional pain, feeling empty or lost … Physically we may
experience numbness, shortness of breath, a heaviness or
tightness in the chest, fatigue, headaches, muscle tension…
We may not be able to sleep or concentrate
on anything. We may have no interest in what is going on around
us or in things that previously were very important to us. We
may over-react or be hypersensitive and feel out of control. We
may cry and cry or feel nothing at all and show no emotion. We
may want to be alone or feel afraid to be alone. We may feel
like we need to run away from it all or even the need to attack
someone or something.
Unexpected or traumatic loss shatters our
world and devastates us. Try as we may we often can’t make
sense of loss. We can’t find a rational explanation. We search
for a cause or anything that might offer just a hint of
explanation or justification or meaning that might help us in
dealing with grief. This search sometimes causes us to question
our faith in God and our religious beliefs adding to the turmoil
and grief the loss already thrust upon us.
The death of loved ones is the most
difficult loss to recover from. Our desire to spend time with
them and interact with them, to know what they’re thinking, to
discuss hopes and dreams…will go unfulfilled for the rest of our
earthly lives. All our dreams and plans with or for them come
to nothing leaving us feeling empty and forlorn. Their
endearing phrases, funny expressions, comforting touches, loving
glances, encouraging smiles, annoying habits…will never be
heard, felt or seen again. We feel as if a big, clumsy,
fiendish claw has thrust itself deep into our vital organs and
callously ripped a chunk out of us leaving a ragged hole that we
can’t imagine will ever heal.
We all react to grief and loss differently
and process it in our own way and time. However, there’s one
key element that is required of all of us if we want to recover
from our loss. The key element in working successfully through
the grieving process is action. Simply sitting back and waiting
for time to heal our deep sadness and intense emotional
suffering brought about by loss or death is not enough.
Grief, regardless of the cause, always
upsets our equilibrium forcing new and unfamiliar feelings,
thoughts and sensations upon us - things like doubt, fear,
insecurity, sadness so intense that it hurts physically…things
that we don’t know how to deal with, things that we can’t find
words to express. To begin to recover from grief and loss we
need to take action that will help us process these
uncomfortable, painful and often overwhelming emotions.
We must take action to adjust to a new
reality, one that we didn’t want or expect, a reality that no
longer includes who or what we lost. We begin by sorting
through our memories, feelings, experiences and plans regarding
who or what we’ve lost. As we go through this sorting process
we choose what is valuable and worth hanging on to because it
benefits us. We choose to let go of other things that have no
benefit.
For example, sometimes as we recall
specific details about a loved one who has died, the things we
did together and things we said to each other, we discover that
in addition to the pain of having our loved one ripped out of
our lives we experience the pain and guilt of regrets. If only
I had not spoken that one careless word, if only I’d kept my
promise, if only I’d taken time... It is impossible to heal and
adjust to our new reality without our loved one if we choose to
hang on to regrets and focus on our pain rather than the far
more numerous happy memories we shared.
We must take action to protect ourselves in
our anguish so that we don’t become victims of the loss we’ve
suffered. Sometimes we might irrationally personalize our loss,
seeing it as a personal attack or as proof that we are a failure
or unworthy of love or success or even deserving of our
suffering. While the grieving process requires that we own the
pain of our sadness we must find ways to keep our pain from
consuming us or shutting us down emotionally so we become
incapable of connecting with others in emotionally healthy,
open, loving interactions. We need to respond to our pain in
such a way that it won’t prevent us from embracing life and the
new, happy experiences it holds for us even after our grief and
loss.
Mourning is a process in which we take
action to define and process the pain of our loss, seek
effective ways to respond to it, adjust to our new reality,
reconstruct our lives and eventually heal.
Mourning begins with the simple action of
acknowledging and expressing our pain. “My loved one has died
and I hurt like the dickens because I miss him/her so much. I
don’t know how to go on. What am I going to do without
him/her? I don’t think I’ll ever laugh again.”
Job provides an example of the mourning
process. Just like all of us he was busy with the day to day
routines of his life-business, family, friends, religious, and
community duties and responsibilities. Sure, he was aware of
the risks of living where he did. He knew there were violent
gangs and rustlers who attacked and stole ranchers’ herds from
time to time. He knew violent wind and lightning storms caused
destruction and death sometimes. He may even have personally
experienced loss from these things or from drought or floods or
infestation of destructive insects at some point in his career.
Illness, disease and death were regular occurrences in his life
as in ours. He just didn’t expect them to happen to him and
certainly not all at once!
And when it happened to him, Job reacted
just like you and I do. He grieved. But perhaps he went a step
farther than you and I are prepared to go. In his great sorrow
Job turned to God and worshipped Him saying, “We bring nothing
at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The Lord alone gives
and takes. Praise the name of the Lord! If we accept blessings
from God, we must accept trouble as well.” (Job 1:21; Job 2:10)
How he missed his ten children, the sound
of their laughter, the warmth of their hugs and kisses, the loud
thumping of their footsteps in the hallway, their chatter among
themselves, their seeking him out for advice, their asking for
money and other favors. What was he to do with his time? He
had no herds to oversee, no servants to guide and instruct. How
was he going to support himself and his wife? How could he
comfort her when he was under great distress and overwhelmed by
his own anguish of heart needing comfort himself? Then illness
invaded his body and the painful boils made it impossible to
think of anything else, except for one troubling question.
Why?
“Why didn’t I die at birth?” Job groaned in
his intense pain. “If I had I’d be at peace now. Why does God
prolong my miserable life when I long for death? I have no peace
or rest-only troubles and worries. It’s impossible to weigh my
misery and grief! They outweigh the sand along the beach…” (Job
3; Job 6:2-3)
“Why is life so hard? Why do we suffer?”
(Job 7:1)
Job was bombarded with conflicting thoughts
and feelings. Which were accurate? Which should he keep and
explore and which should he immediately throw out as not
beneficial? New, disturbing questions assailed him. Were the
beliefs that had always guided him reliable? Why did his
present circumstances not seem to fit those beliefs that had
always worked before? What should he do? Would things ever
feel good and right again? Job began the mourning process,
working to regain his sense of well-being by processing his pain
and questions and circumstances so he could reconstruct his life
without his children and wealth. If only he could figure out
where he stood with God maybe he could figure out everything
else too.
Like his friends, Job had always believed
that sinners suffered trouble and hardships but those who loved
and obeyed God were spared. Job was confident that he had no
sin on his slate that remained unconfessed. He was careful to
never do anything that would offend God, but knowing no one is
perfect he regularly offered sin and guilt offerings to atone
for each sin, both known and unknown. So what was going on?
Was God unfair? Why was he being treated like a sinner when he
knew he was blameless and in right standing with God? Was
everything he believed to be true about God, not true after
all? God was his friend. But why was God suddenly treating him
like an enemy?
When Job’s friends came to commiserate with
him and comfort him they ended up condemning him and causing him
more pain. Over and over again they advised Job to confess his
sin, for they could conceive of no other reason why Job would be
suffering so severely.
Job’s friends: “No humans are innocent in
the eyes of God their Creator. He finds fault with his servants
and even with his angels. Humans are formed from clay and are
fragile as moths, so what chance do you have? Consider yourself
fortunate if God All-Powerful chooses to correct you. He may
cause injury and pain, but he will bandage and heal your cuts
and bruises. God will protect you from harm, no matter how often
trouble may strike. We know God doesn’t reject an innocent
person or help a sinner. Since the time of creation, everyone
has known that sinful people are happy for only a while. Though
their pride and power may reach to the sky, they will disappear
like dust, and those who knew them will wonder what happened. Is
he correcting you for worshiping him? No! It’s because of your
terrible sins. Surrender to God All-Powerful! You will find
peace and prosperity.” (Job 4:17-19: 5:17-19; 8:20; 20:4-7;
22:4-5)
Job responded, “…I have never disobeyed
God. Stop accusing me falsely; my reputation is at stake. I know
right from wrong, and I am not telling lies. I have always lived
right, and God answered my prayers; now friends make fun of me.
It’s easy to condemn those who are suffering, when you have no
troubles.” (Job 6:10, 29-30; 12:4-5)
I promised myself never to stare with
desire at a young woman. God All-Powerful punishes men who do
that. I am not dishonest or deceitful, and I beg God to prove my
innocence. If I have disobeyed him or even wanted to, then
others can eat my harvest and uproot my crops. If I took
someone’s wife, it would be a horrible crime, sending me to
destruction and my crops to the flames.
When my servants complained against me, I
was fair to them. Otherwise, what answer would I give to God
when he judges me? If I have ever raised my arm to threaten an
orphan when the power was mine, I hope that arm will fall from
its socket. I could not have been abusive; I was terrified at
the thought that God might punish me.
I have never openly or secretly worshiped
the sun or moon. Such horrible sins would have deserved
punishment from God. Many have attempted to hide their sins from
others-but I refused. And the fear of public disgrace never
forced me to keep silent about what I had done. Why doesn’t God
All-Powerful listen and answer? If God has something against me,
let him speak up or put it in writing! (Job 31)
I am desperate because God All-Powerful
refuses to do what is right. As surely as God lives, and while
he gives me breath, I will tell only the truth. Until the day I
die, I will refuse to do wrong by saying you are right, because
each day my conscience agrees that I am innocent. (Job 27:1-5)
“I am sick of life! And from deep despair,
I complain to you, my God. Don’t just condemn me! Point out my
sin. You have not explained all of your mysteries, but you catch
and punish me each time I sin. Guilty or innocent, I am
condemned and ashamed because of my troubles. Sometimes I try to
be cheerful and to stop complaining, but my sufferings frighten
me, because I know that God still considers me guilty. So what’s
the use of trying to prove my innocence? God isn’t a mere human
like me. I can’t put him on trial. Who could possibly judge
between the two of us?” (Job 10:1-2; 0:13-15; 9:27-29, 32-33)
“Leave me alone and let me die; my life has
no meaning. Why am I your target and such a heavy burden? Why
do you refuse to forgive?” Job 7:16, 20-21
Job’s friends: “You claim to be innocent
and argue that your beliefs are acceptable to God. But I wish he
would speak… Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer,
and give up your sins-even those you do in secret. Then you
won’t be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless. Your
troubles will go away like water beneath a bridge, and your
darkest night will be brighter than noon. You will rest safe
and secure, filled with hope and emptied of worry. You will
sleep without fear and be greatly respected. …you have been
offered comforting words from God. Isn’t this enough? Your
emotions are out of control, making you look fierce; that’s why
you attack God with everything you say. No human is pure and
innocent… (Job 11:4-5, 13-19; 15:11-14)
Job said, “What you say is true. No human
is innocent in the sight of God. There’s no way a human can be
completely pure. Not once in a thousand times could we win our
case if we took him to court. God is wise and powerful-who
could possibly oppose him and win? Even though I am innocent, I
can only beg for mercy. And if God came into court when I called
him, he would not hear my case. He would strike me with a storm
and increase my injuries for no reason at all. God is much
stronger than I am, and who would call me into court to give me
justice? What difference does it make? God destroys the
innocent along with the guilty. (Job 9:1-4, 15-17, 19, 22. Job
14:4)
“God may kill me, but still I will trust
him and offer my defense. This may be what saves me, because no
guilty person would come to his court. Listen carefully to my
words! I have prepared my case well, and I am certain to win. If
you can prove me guilty, I will give up and die. I ask only two
things of you, my God, and I will no longer hide from you-stop
punishing and terrifying me! Then speak, and I will reply; or
else let me speak, and you reply. Please point out my sins, so I
will know them. Why have you turned your back and count me your
enemy? (Job 13:15-24)
“Everything was going well, until God
grabbed my neck and shook me to pieces. God set me up as the
target for his arrows, and without showing mercy, he slashed my
stomach open, spilling out my insides. God never stops
attacking… Today I complain bitterly, because God has been cruel
and made me suffer. If I knew where to find God, I would go
there and argue my case. Then I would discover what he wanted to
say. Would he overwhelm me with his greatness? No! He would
listen because I am innocent, and he would say, “I now set you
free!” I cannot find God anywhere-in front or back of me, to my
left or my right. God is always at work, though I never see him.
But he knows what I am doing, and when he tests me, I will be
pure as gold. I have never refused to follow any of his
commands, and I have always treasured his teachings. But he
alone is God, and who can oppose him? God does as he pleases,
and he will do exactly what he intends with me.” (Job 16:12-14;
23:1-14)
“If I should die, I beg the earth not to
cover my cry for justice. Even now, God in heaven is both my
witness and my protector. My friends have rejected me, but God
is the one I beg to show that I am right, just as a friend
should.” (Job 16:18-21)
“My hopes have died, my time is up, and the
grave is ready. All I can see are angry crowds, making fun of
me. If you, Lord, don’t help, who will pay the price for my
release? My friends won’t really listen, all because of you, and
so you must be the one to prove them wrong. I know that my
Savior lives, and at the end he will stand on this earth. My
flesh may be destroyed, yet from this body I will see God. Yes,
I will see him for myself, and I long for that moment. My
friends, you think up ways to blame and torment me, saying I
brought it on myself. But watch out for the judgment, when God
will punish you!” (Job 17:1-4; 19:25-29)
“Why doesn’t God set a time for court? Why
don’t his people know where he can be found? I am sick at heart!
Pain has taken its toll…I beg God for help, but there is no
answer;” (Job 24:1; 30:16, 20)
“I long for the past, when God took care of
me, and the light from his lamp showed me the way through the
dark. I was in the prime of life, God All-Powerful was my
closest friend…” (Job 29:1-4)
Job’s friends: “Job claims he is innocent
and God is guilty of mistreating him. Job also argues that God
considers him a liar and that he is suffering severely in spite
of his innocence. But to tell the truth, Job is shameless! If
any of you are smart, you will listen and learn that God
All-Powerful does what is right. God always treats everyone the
way they deserve, and he is never unfair. Job, you should tell
God that you are guilty and promise to do better. Then ask him
to point out what you did wrong, so you won’t do it again.” (Job
34:5-7; 10-12; 31-32)
“In times of trouble, everyone begs the
mighty God to have mercy. But after their Creator helps them
through hard times, they forget about him, though he makes us
wiser than animals or birds. God won’t listen to the prayers of
proud and evil people. If God All-Powerful refused to answer
their empty prayers, he will surely deny your impatient request
to face him in court. God always does right-and this knowledge
comes straight from God. You can rest assured that what I say is
true. Although God is mighty, he cares about everyone and makes
fair decisions.” Job 35:9-14; 36:3-5
“Hard times and trouble are God’s way of
getting our attention! And at this very moment, God deeply
desires to lead you from trouble and to spread your table with
your favorite food. Now that the judgment for your sins has
fallen upon you, don’t let your anger and the pain you endured
make you sneer at God. Job, consider carefully the many wonders
of God. Can you explain why lightning flashes at the orders of
God who knows all things? Or how he hangs the clouds in empty
space? No one can stare at the sun after a breeze has blown the
clouds cannot be seen-but his power is great, and he is always
fair. And so we humans from the sky. Yet the glorious splendor
of God All-Powerful is brighter by far. God fear God, because he
shows no respect for those who are proud and think they know so
much.” (Job 36:15-18; 37:14-16, 21-24)
Then …
From out of a storm the Lord said to Job:
“Why do you talk so much when you know so little? Now get ready
to face me! Can you answer the questions I ask? How did I lay
the foundation for the earth? Were you there? Did you ever tell
the sun to rise? And did it obey? Can you arrange stars in
groups such as Orion and the Pleiades? Do you control the stars
or set in place the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper… I am the
Lord All-Powerful, but you have argued that I am wrong. Now you
must answer me. Are you trying to prove that you are innocent by
accusing me of injustice?” (Job 38:1-4, 12, 31-32; 40:1,8)
Job said to the Lord: “Who am I to answer
you? I did speak once or twice, but never again. No one can
oppose you, because you have the power to do what you want. You
asked why I talk so much when I know so little. I have talked
about things that are far beyond my understanding. You told me
to listen and answer your questions. I heard about you from
others; now I have seen you with my own eyes. That’s why I hate
myself and sit here in dust and ashes to show my sorrow.” (Job
39:3-5; 41:1-6)
Then God addressed Job’s friends who had so
fervently and sincerely defended God by condemning Job while he
maintained his innocence. In arguing what they believed to be
true about God and his dealings with mankind they left no room
that God might have purpose in suffering besides punishment for
sin.
The Lord said to Eliphaz: “What my servant
Job has said about me is true, but I am angry at you and your
two friends for not telling the truth. So I want you to go over
to Job and offer seven bulls and seven goats on an altar as a
sacrifice to please me. After this, Job will pray and I will
agree not to punish you for your foolishness.” (Job 42:7-8)
Though Job never did get his answer as to
why he suffered he did get the satisfaction of knowing that he
was right and it was not due to sin. But even more important he
personally encountered God All-Powerful in a new and deeper way
than ever before and it humbled him. He grieved because his
ignorance had caused him to accuse his God of being unjust and
doing wrong. Though he didn’t understand it he realized that
his suffering was part of God’s purpose for him and it somehow
resulted in bringing honor and glory to God. He could accept
that. He resolved the conflict within himself that his
suffering had stirred up. And he found peace, both within and
with his best friend, God.
Then God honored Job by doubling his
possessions, giving him another seven sons and three daughters,
and allowing him to live long enough to see his great
grandchildren have children of their own.
Trust God, my friends, and always
tell him each one of your concerns. God is our place of
safety. Psalm 62:8 CEV
For your encouragement,
Sharon Young
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Sharon Young
http://www.amourningdevotional.com
Mourning Glory – A Devotional for
Grieving is a book for
helping those struggling through a loss and looking for support and
comfort.
Sharon is a dedicated mom and wife with a
deep desire to discover who God is, what He's like and
how to navigate this life guided by His truth. |
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