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THE STAGES OF GRIEF
Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about the five
stages of catastrophic loss in her book,” On Death and Dying”.
While she was speaking to the terminally ill patient, most
people have found that the stages she defines work as well for
almost any kind of grief in the grieving process.
While people argue as to whether these
stages are really true for a person in grief, and while the
whole issue of loss is quite complex, for myself I have found
that I have indeed gone through the stages of grief and often
more than once for the same loss. In some cases I don’t know
that I have ever come to a complete reconciliation of dealing
with loss and dealing with death.
I don’t mean that I have carried grief to the extent I could be
described as clinically depressed or mentally ill, but
definitely I still miss the person, place or thing with an
intense sense of grief and loss.
I have found it helpful to look at the five
stages with every kind of loss to understand how I am dealing
with the misfortune. There are so many types of loss as we deal
with grief in the devotional. Everyday events such as moving,
weddings, change in jobs, loss of a pet, graduations, broken
dreams, broken homes, bankruptcy, loss of youth divorce...all
cause grief. Tragedies like critical illness, accident, natural
disasters, handicaps and acts of terrorism expose us to
overwhelming grief. The grieving process has many faces.
Recently, one of our married male friends
died. My husband and I were very close to them as a couple. We
traveled with them, always spent New Year’s Eve going to a
dinner theater. We enjoyed many activities together. They were
our best friends. I went to see him at home where hospice was
taking care of him. He was very sick, thin and pale. I think
the 5 stages of grief began for me then.
First
Stage of Grief
DENIAL– As a Christian, although I
didn’t say it in the latter days, I was still hoping and praying
that he would be healed. I do believe in healing, but I also
know that, for each of us, there is an appointed hour to die. It
was indeed selfish. We so enjoyed ourselves with them, I simply
couldn’t imagine life without him. I could not admit to myself
that this was his appointed hour. At the last, when I saw him a
few days before his death I could see he was terminally ill. It
was a rude awakening. It was like being hit with a tree limb.
Oh, ok, he is not going to be healed. In some ways denial had
been a protection, a hope, vain as it turned out, but a hope
that everything would be alright.
Second
Stage of Grief
ANGER– I used to argue about this
stage of grief. But there is always some anger when you lose
someone you love. I found myself saying, “Lord, why did you
have to take him? Here is a man who contributed so much to life,
to other people, to me. How could you do this to me, Lord? What
kind of grief support is that, Lord?
Third
Stage of Grief
BARGAINING– Now here comes the
bargaining. I’ve got a good idea, Lord. Why don’t you take some
of the terrorists and leave my friend? How about Bin Laden or al
Zakowi for starters? I can give them up very easily. How about
taking someone older? I can think of few I could offer who
really are no longer on their mental game. My friend’s time was
so short here on earth, and he’s sharp as a tack. What will his
precious wife do without him? Take someone who doesn’t have a
spouse or much family. It doesn’t seem fair, Lord. Then you
realize life and especially death, aren’t fair. Many die
untimely deaths, and many great people die young or relatively
young, and many cads and ne'er-do-wells live to be old. Does it
help to realize this about loss, deprivation and death?
Sometimes I struggle with the mysteries of loss here, but now we
do see through a glass darkly.
Fourth
Stage of Grief
DEPRESSION– Ok, nothing works here.
I’m powerless. I’ll never see him again. I think I’ll watch TV
24 hours a day. Life can be too painful. It may never get
better. I always throw in a bit of, “How can you do this to me,
Lord?” Notice here I have given very little thought to what his
wife, my dearest friend, is going through. Ah, she’s doing ok.
She has wonderful kids to comfort her. My husband and I just
have each other here. I know there’s something wrong and
depressing with my logic, but I’m grieving. I'm in the
midst of the grieving process.
Fifth
Stage of Grief
ACCEPTANCE– One day I talked with my
husband and realized we both were thinking of our friend, the
wife, as dead too. My husband said, “You know we can still ask
Barb to come with us. Maybe she won’t or can’t yet, but there’s
no reason why we shouldn’t ask.” It went through my mind, “Phil
is gone. He’s really gone. But we have to go on without him,
still try to enjoy life and celebrate, just as he did.” Then I
remembered how much he really loved life and enjoyed almost
every minute. What an inspiration! It made me realize too that
it is alright to remember, especially when you have so many good
times to remember; it is alright to toast to the good times; it
is alright to know that he was at peace with his death and his
God; it is alright to accept that some part of every good friend
remains in me as a Godly gift and attribute; and finally, it is
alright to miss him, sometimes very much because, you know what,
his death is a very great loss. But how much better his very
much grieved death, than that he should leave this earth and no
one give a darn.
For your encouragement,
Diana Burg
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Diana Burg
http://www.amourningdevotional.com
Mourning Glory – A Devotional for
Grieving is a book for
helping those struggling through a loss and looking for support and
comfort.
Diana is a writer and author with several
books in print. She writes everything – novels, short
stories, plays, screenplays and poetry. Her passion is
writing Christian books. |
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